Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
You Might Also Like
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
#CatsOnTwitter
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.