@curlycomedy: Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
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@RunwayDan: I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
@WoodyLuvsCoffee: Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don't remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
@Fickle_Filly: A starfish has five arms. An anablep has four eyes. An octopus has three hearts. And you've got two faces.
@Home_Halfway: FRIEND: Don is flying in tomorrow ME: My cousin Don or Amazing Hearing Don? [I get a text] Amazing Hearing Don