Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
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“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?
Me: I’m going to be completely hones-
7: *begins crying*
Me: Daddy did. He totally did.
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.