@curlycomedy: Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
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@david8hughes: Interviewer: u worked in sales before? Me: yeah Interviewer: what's your background? Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
@TheNardvark: She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
@RorynotRoy: You'd think Goldilocks would have been all like, "Damn, it smells like bears in here. Is that a family portrait of bears?! I should leave."
@AimeeHelene1: "And this is my creepy husband, John." (The way my friend should introduce her husband)