Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
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Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
🤣
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”
Including classics such as:
– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!And the chart topping hit:
– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?