This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
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Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
LMAO.
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
Hello, my name is Pierre.
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
Van Gone
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.