Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
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They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
Me checking my bank balance online.
Yup.
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
The internet is magic sometimes.
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.