Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.
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Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people