@BryMastas: Life's most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
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@Kalarlis: When the cashier asks for my signature, I just write "HELP ME" while maintaining eye contact
@KeetPotato: priest: "does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?" me: "SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS" priest: [slowly closes bible]
@GrantTanaka: When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say "Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima," & then start swearing in Japanese.
@lisaxy424: My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her "golden shower" so goodnight.