@BryMastas: Life's most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
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@Xoolun: A friend came over visibly shaken. He said he had just slept with his 3rd cousin. I told him, if it upsets you that much quit counting them.
@kumailn: "Aaaaaaaaaaaaaa" - the soundtrack to every Middle Eastern scene in every Hollywood movie.
@weinerdog4life: When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can't get over the fence
@jonnysun: remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???