@MakesYouGiggle: Life's too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
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@AimeeHelene1: Friend: Who's that? Me: Oh...that's crazy Kathy. F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something? Me: No. She eats hair.
@bridger_w: If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, "I thought this was FAST food." The place will never recover from that mega burn