Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
You Might Also Like
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice