@MakesYouGiggle: Life's too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
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@Matt_the_1st: Due to an unforeseen error during last night's love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
@dubstep4dads: [twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard] me: hey
@kumailn: "And remember to talk to everyone like they're a 3rd grader." - flight attendant manual
@Ideal_Victoria: Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one” And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”