Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
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Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries