*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
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me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
#TopTip
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it