[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
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me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
I camp so other people don’t have to.
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.