[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
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[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.