[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
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Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
tell em, edith-anne
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?
Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*
CS: 683648AC4712.
Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!
CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?Me: No thanks *click*
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.