“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
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My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
Only a mother’s love …
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.