People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
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Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.