Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
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Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery