[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
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Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad