[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
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Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.