*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
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Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
shut up and take my money
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.