*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
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At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:
“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”Geez. Give us a break already.
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags: