*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
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Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.