I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
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I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
Every time.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.