To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
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Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
CRYING
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
Amazon Review: Ghost costume
⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not RecommendPoorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*