*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
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some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.