*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
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I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.