EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
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I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
[To Police Sketch Artist]
Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”Sketch Artist:…
Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
SPLOOT
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”