Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
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[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
dream blunt rotation
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.