Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
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On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
Sell your car
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background