Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
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My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her