Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
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A bold strategy
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
it be like that
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.