Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
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The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no