Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
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I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
Love is in the air fryer.
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can