How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
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If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.