87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
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Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!