A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
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How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
Siri, fight Alexa.
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!