Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
You Might Also Like
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.