Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
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Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
for all #parents out there
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.