Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
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Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent