I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
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Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
Candles never taste the way they smell
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
I’ve had worse
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.