then why did i get this email
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I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
I am HOWLING at this
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone
ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?
ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO