Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
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My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
So sick of all these stupid rules
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.