Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
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Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL