@karenphotog: Like my grandma always says... put more booze in the mashed potatoes
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@215potter: My neighbor's facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
@LethargicLife: Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani? Me: Thanks! It's Febreze. I just took a dump.
@therealeatwood: JUDGE: I sentence you to 2 consecutive life sentences [60 yrs later: convict dies, is reincarnated] COP: This baby camel is under arrest
@ch000ch: if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer