@karenphotog: Like my grandma always says... put more booze in the mashed potatoes
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@ShanaRose21: Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens. Alien: Take us to your leader. America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
@TheAlexNevil: According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
@goldengateblond: Lady at the door asked if I'd found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don't think she'll be back.
@WilliamAder: Pretty sure the guy who named them "walkie talkies" got fired before he could name other military equipment.