Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
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A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.
6yo: (raises hand)
Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)
6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”