@shutupmikeginn: Like my therapist always says, "I'm not your therapist, you're just laying on a couch in Ikea"
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@hurlarious: I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
@WigCannon: how to hot dogs: 1) "read" hot dogs instructions 2) place 5 to 60 hot dogs in warm microwave or sink 3) add 1 piece of ketchup 4( drink
@RoosterMustache: Assert dominance over your boss by choosing an elevator button higher than the one he picked & act like its a big deal to wait for his floor
@TheTimmyToes: me: how much per hour? babysitter: $15 me: okay here's $2.37 million see you in 18 years