@shutupmikeginn: Like my therapist always says, "I'm not your therapist, you're just laying on a couch in Ikea"
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@juliussharpe: Writing is a great career when people like hearing what you have to say but don't want to look at you.
@david8hughes: Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we're meeting my parents in 10 minutes Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready
@Hadzilla: HEY OSAMA I FOUND YOUR 72 VIRGINS THEY ARE ALL ON MY TIMELINE TALKING ABOUT STAR WARS
@GaryJanetti: Apple is developing an iPhone that pregnant women can swallow so fetuses can go online since they have nothing else to do in there.