Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
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me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
My work here is done
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
Where is your GOD now????
Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”