Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
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*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
omg leave her alone
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.