like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
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[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.