The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
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fair
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
they really do be looking like this
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house