If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
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[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour