abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
You Might Also Like
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
what?
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.